Why Do I Feel Lonely When I’m Not Alone?


This is a word I’ve had to come face to face with almost every day of my life. Not because I’ve ever truly been alone, or even close. I’ve never been left to fend for myself or unloved.

But aloneness can stem from something much harder to see.

We are looking – where is the presence that will fill me?

Many of us are comfortable with the concept we will only find the answer in God, and stare Him down.

“Why am I still empty, Father? Why am I still alone?”

His answer came to me after years of knocking on the door of my spirit.

I used to boom on that door with my fist about this issue. But over the years it has resolved to a constant, patient tapping.

And then one day, a vision came to me.

I was walking into His presence. But I was dragging pieces of other peoples’ images with me, creating a collage to cover myself up.

I did not see, know, or have any concept of the person I was.

I was not bringing my own side of the relationship to things because I wouldn’t stop squinting and open my eyes for Him show me my unique identity.

I held out the collage of other people with stiff arms, as if revealing myself would mean punishment.

He said,

I want you.

I can’t connect with you as a false replica of others. That’s why you feel I’m far away. I’m right here.

But you are hiding.

You are hiding behind what you perceive makes me love and approve of others.

You are hiding behind the fear if someone else accuses, I will not pardon.

You are hiding behind the illusion that others have a connection with me that I withhold from you because you aren’t good enough.

But I am in every breath extending a clean robe, a ring for your finger, an embrace, and a feast.

And then I heard something like it was a memory in the winds of the Earth, calling back to a time ages ago. A voice, a mourning, grieving, longing cry,

Adam, where are you?

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